How to help children use electronic products healthily (10) Harvest

On helping children use electronic products healthily, I am going to conclude with this article. Let’s talk about the blessings we have been given.

First of all, from my observation, the child’s life is enriched by electronic products. playing games, watching videos, chatting with friends, writing, making pictures, designing games, programming, creating his own website and server… all these make his leisure life busy and fulfilling. I think this is typical of children of this age. What I value more is that he has gradually learned to be alert through discussion and trying in using it, and to judge for himself what suits him and what is right or not.

The attractiveness of electronic products is well known, so complying with the rules is even more challenging. Every time the child uses electronic products, it’s an opportunity for training: stopping when the time is up; communicating with us when there are special circumstances; managing time; balancing study and life. I think he has had a lot of practices and experiences. For example, sometimes because of some special circumstances, he wants to play game first and then do his homework. He will tell me the reason and his plan, and communicate with me. Whether I say “Yes” or “No” , I will thank him for coming to communicate with me and compliment his planning.

One day, he even shared an “unexpected surprise” with me. He told me that playing the game had taught him a lesson: “Don’t give up easily.” He said that there were many times when his chances of winning were almost zero, and even when his partners had given up, he still insisted on it. As a result, the defeat was turned into victory many times. May this lesson take root in his heart and live in his life.

Second, through helping the child use electronic products healthily, our relationship has deepened. The needs of the child and the things they are exposed to are dynamic and changing, which bring new problems. We have gradually formed a way of solving problems together: raising questions, communicating our ideas with each other frankly, discussing, formulating solutions, adjusting, and then adjusting… We open our hearts with sincerity. Many times I find that the child’s perspectives are often unique and he can always come up with good ideas. He has also realized that he still lacks the experience and wisdom of the parents and needs our guidance. On the other hand, as the child broke the rules time and time again, we disciplined him, forgave him, expressed love to him and accepted him time and time again. I believe that he has been feeling our love for him time and time again.

Last, but the most importantly, our faith in God has been strengthened. Making mistakes and forgiven repeatedly, the child has developed deeper understanding of his sins. “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18) I remember once, because he broke the rules multiple times in a row, he felt that he just couldn’t help doing wrong. He told me, “Mom, I think I am truly sinful. But we have Jesus. I used to study about Jesus at school every day, but I just treated it as knowledge. Now I know how much I need Jesus to save me. “I was really moved. Thank God for his mercy and guidance. This understanding makes all the efforts and experiences worthwhile.

As for myself, I have gained a lot. From words I have written, it seems that I am a calm and wise mother. However, this is not the case. In reality, I have been struggling and stumbling forward. I have got emotional and anxious. I don’t know how to deal with the matter many times. I am a mother who always needs God’s help and mercy. However, when I look back on my experience along the way, my heart is filled with gratitude. Accompanied by these weaknesses are prayers again and again; with prayers are God’s guidance and help again and again; with God’s guidance and help are feelings of God’s forgiveness, mercy, wisdom and unfailing love again and again.

I often think I am like a grain of sand in a river, small and weak, but God sees me, cherishes me, helps me and loves me. Who else in this world is not what He loves? Who else can he not help? God’s greatest love and power are revealed in the tiniest people and things. Thank God!

I remember hearing a song in the car one day, and there was a line that sings: “I can see You (God) in every little thing, all day.” Hearing it, my son asked me, “Really?” I said, “Yes, as long as you seek God.” He thought for a second, nodded and smiled.

Scripture:

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hand; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!” (Psalm 8:3-9)

如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品（十）收获

关于如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品，今天终于迎来了完结篇。最后一篇就谈谈收获吧。

首先，从孩子的角度，我观察到，他的生活因为电子产品而得到了丰富。玩游戏，看视频，和同学聊天，写作，制作图片，设计游戏，编程，创立自己的网站和server……这些让他的业余生活繁忙而充实。我想，这就是这个时代的孩子们的一个特点吧。更为我所看重的是，他在使用的过程中通过讨论和尝试，也逐渐学会了警醒，为自己判断什么适合自己，什么不适合；什么是对的，什么是错的。

电子产品的吸引力大是众所周知的，因此遵守规则也更加具有挑战。每次使用电子产品 都是一次遵守规则的训练，按规则到时间就停下来，有特殊情况时和父母沟通，如何管理自己的时间，平衡学习和生活的时间安排，我想他都有了很多实践和体验。比如，有时候 因为一些特殊情况，他希望先玩游戏再做作业，他就会告诉我其中的原因和他的时间安排，和我沟通。无论我同意与否，我都会感谢他来和我沟通，肯定他去计划 和安排。

有一天，他还给我分享了一个“意外的惊喜”。他告诉我在玩游戏的过程中，他学到了一个道理：“不要轻易放弃”。他说，有很多时候赢的可能性几乎为零，甚至他的同伴都已经放弃时，他还坚持下去，结果很多次都反败为胜。愿这个道理扎根在他心里，活在他的生活之中。

第二，在帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品的过程中，我们和他的关系更加深入和坦诚。孩子的需求和所接触的东西是动态和变化的，这就会带来新的问题。我们逐渐形成了一起共同解决问题的方式：提出问题，坦诚地交流自己的想法，讨论，制定解决方案，调整，再调整……我们敞开心扉，真诚面对。我越来越发现，孩子的角度常常都很独特，总能提出好办法。他也意识到，他还缺乏爸爸妈妈的经验和智慧，需要我们的指导。另一方面，孩子一次又一次地违反规则，我们一次又一次地管教、原谅、表达爱和接纳他，相信他也一次又一次地感受到了我们对他的爱。

最后，也是最重要的，我们在这个过程中都在信仰里更加深入。孩子在犯错误 的过程中更深地认识到自己的罪，“立志为善由得我，只是行出来由不得我。”（罗马书7:18）记得有一次他因为多次违反规则，感到自己无法控制自己时，他告诉我：“妈妈，我觉得我真的是有罪。但是我们有耶稣。以前我天天在学校学，只是把这当做知识，无所谓。现在 我 才知道我有多么需要耶稣救我。”当时我真的好感动。感谢神的 怜悯和带领。他的这个领悟让一切的付出和经历都值得了。

至于 我自己，也有满满的收获。从写的文字上看，感觉自己是一个有条不紊，沉着冷静的妈妈。然而事实却不然。现实中的我却是挣扎着跌跌撞撞地前行。有情绪失控的时候，有焦虑担心的时候，有不知如何处理的时候，有自责无力的时候 …… 总是需要神的帮助和怜悯。然而，当我回顾这一路走来的经历，心里充满了感恩，伴着这些软弱是一次次的祷告；伴着一次次的祷告，是上帝一次次的带领和帮助；伴着上帝一次次的带领和帮助，是一次次地感受上帝的赦免、怜悯、爱、智慧和不离不弃。

我常常想，我就像河里的一粒沙，那么微小，软弱，然而神都能 看到我，珍惜我，帮助 我，爱我，这个世界上还有谁不是他所爱的？还有谁是他不能帮助的？在最微小的人和事情中，却彰显了神最伟大的爱和能力。感谢神！

记得有一天在车里听到一首歌，有一句歌词是：“I can see You (God) in every little thing, all day.”听到这句，儿子就问我：“真的吗？”我说：“是的，只要你寻求神。”他想了想，点点头。

经文：

“我观看你（上帝）指头所造的天，并你所陈设的月亮星宿，便说：‘人算什么，你竟顾念他！世人算什么，你竟眷顾他!你叫他比天使微小一点，并赐他荣耀尊贵为冠冕。你派他管理你手所造的，使万物，就是一切的牛羊、田野的兽、空中的鸟、海里的鱼，凡经行海道的，都服在他的脚下。耶和华-我们的 主啊，你的名在全地何其美！’”（诗篇8:3-9）

亲爱的读者们：

感谢您的阅读。关于如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品的主题在这篇就告一段落了，希望我的这些经历和反思能给你带来一点启发。暑假将至，我也将休息一段时间，和孩子享受暑期时光。孩子渐渐长大，我们越来越珍惜他在身边的日子，越来越享受他的成长，体验着上帝在他生命中的带领和帮助。

同时我也希望通过这段时间思考下一个主题。如果您有什么感兴趣的亲子教育主题，也欢迎你留言。如果是我力所能及，我将与大家分享我的经历和感想。

暑期愉快！上帝祝福你们！

Sarah

How to help children use electronic products healthily (9) Breaking the Rules (II)

In the previous article, we discussed when children violating the rules, we parents should not deal with it out of anger, but need to calm down, reflect on the feasibility of the rules and our inner state, and allow children to make mistakes because every mistake is an opportunity for children to learn to make the right choice for themselves.

How can we have children learn how to make good choices through mistakes? I think the most straightforward way is that parents calmly and firmly enforce the rules, and children experience the consequences of breaking the rules. If parents find children break the rules and feel angry, it is recommended delaying and waiting until you calm down. In this way, parents also set a good example for children: never dealing with things emotionally.

When dealing with children’s violation of the rules, it is important to focus on what’s happening, parents giving the consequences, children bearing them, conducting necessary conversations. After that, parents should express to children, “Although you have made a mistake, God has forgiven you. So do Mom and Dad. We still love you.” Then it’s over, move on. Don’t preach, scold, label, or judge children as “lying and rebellious”. This will only cause parents and children to fall into anger, disappointment, and hopelessness, instead of learning good life lessons.

Before I misunderstood that disciplining children would help them make no more same mistake. However, the experiences tell me the purpose of disciplining is not to prevent children from making mistakes, but to teach them to what mistake they make, how to treat mistakes, how to treat themselves who have made mistakes, how to react after making mistakes, and how to make the right choice for themselves next time. Ultimately, we hope children to build a way of thinking when making choices: “Every choice I make will affect my life.”, so that they can have a greater chance to make the right choice for themselves. Help them to build such a way of thinking, parents need to accept children making mistakes and help them realize the connection between their choices and consequences.

I told my child that because of our sinful nature, we make mistakes throughout our whole lives, but we always have the opportunity to start again, because God has forgiven us, and every moment is a new opportunity from God to correct and have a fresh start. B courageous and firm. Never give up, never lose heart because God never gives us up.

It is true for children as well as for parents. We are all in God’s grace.

Scripture:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品（九）违反规则（II）

上一篇我们谈到了，当孩子违反规则时，我们父母不要在情绪中处理，而是需要平静下来，反思规则的合理性，可操作性，反思自己的内心状态，允许孩子犯错误，因为每次错误都是孩子们学习为自己做正确选择的机会。

那么，如何才能让孩子在错误中学习如何做选择呢？我想，最为直接的方式就是：父母温和而坚定地执行规则，让孩子们亲身感受到违反规则带来的后果。如果父母发现孩子违反规则而感到生气愤怒，建议延迟处理，等平静下来再处理。这样，我们也给孩子树立了一个很好的榜样：不在情绪中处理事情。

当处理孩子违反规则的情况时，父母需要就事论事，给后果，孩子承担后果，进行必要的谈话，向孩子表达：“虽然你犯错误了，但上帝已经原谅了你，爸爸妈妈也原谅你了，我们仍然爱你。”然后就结束，move on。千万不要对孩子长篇说教，责骂，给孩子贴标签，评判孩子“爱撒谎，叛逆”，这样只会造成父母和孩子陷入愤怒、失望和无力的情绪之中，反而学不到功课。

以前我有一个误区，以为孩子犯错误，管教了孩子，孩子就不再犯同样的错误了。然而，实践告诉我，对孩子温和而坚定地管教，其目的不是杜绝孩子犯错误，而是让他们意识到自己的错误，教会他们如何对待错误，如何对待犯错误的自己，犯了错误之后如何应对，如何在下一次为自己做正确的选择。我们希望孩子们在错误和承担后果的过程中建立一个思维逻辑：“我的每个选择都会影响到我的生活”，从而使他们能够有更大的可能性为自己做正确的选择。而帮助他们建立这个思维逻辑的前提是接纳犯错误的孩子，帮助他们看到选择与后果之间的联系。

我告诉孩子，因为人的罪性，我们一生都会犯错误，但我们总是有重头再来的机会，因为上帝已经原谅了我们，每一刻都是一个新的机会重头再来。要勇敢而坚定，永不放弃，永不灰心，因为上帝永不放弃我们。

对孩子是这样，对咱们父母也是这样。我们都在神的恩典之中。

经文：

“你们所遇见的试探，无非是人所能受的。神是信实的，必不叫你们受试探过于所能受的；在受试探的时候，总要给你们开出一条出路，叫你们能忍受得住。”（哥林多前书10:13）

A New Classmate

This year, a new classmate named Jack (a pseudonym) came to my son’s class. He has some special physical conditions, and his words and deeds are different from those of ordinary students.

My son told me it was difficult for Jack to keep up with the teacher, follow the rules, and he made strange noises from time to time during class, which made him very distracted. Jack’s speaking and actions are very slow, a bit weird, different from other students. Other classmates don’t play with him very much.

I asked him, “How about you?”

He replied, “He is new here. He reminds me the time when I came to this class two years ago. Like him, I was a new classmate. I know how difficult it is to just enter a new class. I can feel his heart. I try to be kind to him, even try to make friends with him, but I found that I still didn’t like him. Sometimes he even annoys me, especially when he often makes such noises and distracts me.”

I asked, “Does it annoy and distract you very often? “

He said, “Yes, Mom. It’s basically all day long. I have to endure it hard.”

“I’m sorry. Do you need to pray to God?” I asked him.

“Yes. Can you pray with me,” he asked me.

“I’d love to.” I answered him.

Then, my son began to pray, “God, I don’t like Jack, a new classmate in our class. He often annoys me. Please help me giving me a loving heart and be kind to him and giving me more patience to endure him. God, please help Jack, too, be happy in the new class and make friends. In Jesus’ name, Amen!”

Opening my eyes, I said to him, “God has listened to your prayer, and he will definitely lead you.”

Some days later, my son told me that they changed seats and Jack was sitting right next to him. He didn’t like it.

“I can understand. Do you remember your prayer to God last time? Now that you prayed, trust it into God’s hands and see how He guides you and what lessons He wants you to learn?” I reminded him.

“It’s probably the lesson of patience and endurance.” said the son.

“Possibly, but maybe more. God always gives us more and better than we think and ask! Keep praying. He nodded and smiled.

Last Wednesday afternoon, my son told me he had learned a lesson recently. I was very curious, “What is it?”

He said, “Now Jack is sitting next to me, allowing me to know more about him. He was actually born with those weird behaviors. He cannot control it. Today we had a test. Most of us finished it quickly, but he couldn’t even answer one question. The teacher helped him with each of questions. The teacher was trying his best to help him.”

“Did you see it?” I asked. He nodded.

“Then what lesson did you learn?” I asked.

“Get to know things before making judgments,” he said.

“Why do you say so?” I asked.

“I used to judge from the first impression, so I didn’t like Jack. But recently he was next to me. I got to know him more and felt that he was not what I thought before. He is actually studying very hard. I used to think about him wrong,” said the son.

“I’m glad you think so. Thank God, this is a big lesson, and I am still learning.” I said.

“But I can’t do it every time. I just realized it.” said the son.

“This is the beginning. Take it slow. It is a lifetime lesson.” I encouraged him.

This afternoon, my son told me that he and Jack were assigned to a team for a science project.

He was a little excited and said: “Mom, I have an ability to change my character.”

This aroused my curiosity again.

He went on to say, “You know, I usually like doing things fast. Today working on the project with Jack, I waited for him and did it very slowly. He just needs a little more time to think and speak, and sometimes he stutters. That’s why many classmates didn’t have the patience to wait for him to speak and interrupted him or said something in their own ways. Today, I patiently waited for him to finish speaking and did it slowly. Our project is doing very well.”

“Jack must be very happy to work on the project with you.” I said.

“I guess so.” My son replied.

“But I think it’s not that you changed your character, but that God gave you a loving and patient heart, as you prayed last time. Thank God.” He nodded.

I went on saying, “God created Jack in this way. We must fear God and learn to get along with him. He is a gift from God.” He also nodded.

Scripture:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13&14)

新同学

今年儿子班上来了一个新同学，名叫Jack（化名）。这个同学身体上有些特殊情况，言行和一般的同学不太一样。

儿子告诉我，Jack很难跟上老师，不遵守规则，上课时嘴里还时不时发出怪怪的声音，让他听课很分心。Jack的言行都很慢，有点怪，感觉和其它同学不一样。另外的同学都不太和他玩。

我问他：“你呢？”

儿子回答：“他是新来的，让我想起我两年前转入这个班，和他一样，也是新同学。我知道刚进入一个新班级有多么难。我能感受到他的心。我在尽力地对他友好，甚至试着和他交朋友，可是我发现我还是不喜欢他。有时候他甚至会让我很恼火，特别是他总是发出那样的声音，让我分心。”

我问：“让你恼火的时候多吗？他让你感到烦恼吗？”

儿子说：“是呀，妈妈。一整天基本都这样，我必须使劲忍耐。”

“我很抱歉，孩子。你需要给神祷告吗？”我问他。

“需要。你和我一起吧。”儿子说。

“好。”我很乐意。

于是儿子开始祷告：“上帝呀，我们班的新同学Jack，我不喜欢，他经常让我恼火。求你帮助我，给我一颗爱心，友好地对待他。给我多一些耐心，忍耐他。上帝呀，也请你帮助Jack在新的班里开心，能交到朋友。这是以主耶稣基督的名向你祷告，阿门！”

睁开眼睛，我对儿子说：“上帝已经听了你的祷告，他一定会带领你的。”

过了一段时间，儿子告诉我，他们换了座位，Jack就坐在他旁边，他不喜欢。

“我能理解。还记得上次我们一起给上帝做过的祷告吗？既然祷告了，就交给神，看看他如何带领你，好让你学习什么功课？”我提醒他。

“估计是忍耐的功课。”儿子说。

“有可能，但也许更多。上帝给我们的总是比我们想的更多更好！记得给神祷告哟。”我微笑着看着他。他点点头，也笑了。

上周三下午放学回家，他告诉我最近学到了一个功课。我很好奇：“说来听听。”

他说：“现在Jack坐在我旁边，让我更多的了解了他。他那些奇怪的行为是天生的，他自己不能控制。今天测试，我们很快就做完了，但他一道都不会，老师在旁边一道题一道题给他讲，把以前讲过的内容又重新给他讲了一遍。老师在想办法尽力帮助他。“

“你都看见了？”我问。他点点头。

“那你学到的功课是什么？”我问。

“在做判断之前要先了解清楚事情。”他说。

“为什么这么说？” 我问。

“我以前常常以第一印象去判断，所以我不喜欢Jack。但是最近他在我旁边，我更多的了解了他，觉得他并不是我以前想的那样。他其实在很努力地学习。我以前对他的想法是错的。”儿子说道。

“我很高兴你这么想。感谢神，这可是一个大功课，妈妈还在学习中呢。”我说。

“可是我还不能每次都做到，只是我开始意识到了。”儿子说。

“这就是开始了，慢慢来，这是一个一生的功课。”我鼓励他。

今天下午回家，儿子告诉我，他和Jack分到一组做一个科学项目。

他有点兴奋地说：“妈妈，我有一种能力，可以改变我的性格。”

这又激起了我的好奇心。

他接着说：“我本来做事挺快的吧。今天我和Jack一起做项目，我就很慢地等他。他只是需要多一点时间思考和表达，有时候说话还有点结巴。这是为什么另外的同学都没耐心等他把话说出来，就打断他或者说其它的了。我今天慢慢地等他说完，慢慢地做，我们的项目做得很好。”

“Jack 和你在一起做项目一定很愉快。”我说。

“应该是吧。”儿子回答。

“儿子，我想这不是你改变了你的性格，而是神赐给了你爱心和耐心，就像上次你祷告的那样。感谢神吧。”他点点头。

我接着说：“神就是这样创造了Jack。我们要敬畏神，慢慢学习和他相处。他是来自上帝的礼物。”儿子又点了点头。

经文：

“我的肺腑是你（上帝）所造的；我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。我要称谢你，因我受造，奇妙可畏；你的作为奇妙，这是我心深知道的。”（诗篇139:13&14）

How to help children use electronic products healthily (8) Breaking the Rules (I)

Earlier we talked about the rule-making of children’s use of electronic products and network safety. However, you will find even when you think everything is all set to go, problems will come unexpectedly. This is a part of life. I think the most common problem is that children will violate the rules by playing more than they are supposed or stealthily playing. Maybe it is a headache for most of parents.

When such a thing happens, parents should not rush to get angry with the child. Life tells me: when dealing with things emotionally, children can’t learn the lesson. Moreover, parents should not label the child, too, thinking that he “always lies, hard-necked, and is hopeless.” Such thoughts will only cause both parents and the child to become more angry, disappointed and weaker. The child will even give up, which is of no help.

Then what can we parents do?

First of all, let us parents adjust our perspective on it. With the right perspective, it is half-way done. Actually, it is not a bad thing for a child to break the rules. Following the rules is a learning process. He not only has to learn the rules and the boundaries of what they can and cannot do, but also learn and experience the different impacts of choosing to follow or break the rules on his lives, and then gradually learn to think before making choices. If a habit of thinking: “what impact will this choice have on my life?” is developed, it will greatly help him with their future independent life, making them more likely to make wise choices. Therefore, every time the child makes a mistake, it is an opportunity to learn. Parents, please allow the child to make mistakes and give them plenty of opportunities to learn before they walk out of our houses. Think about ourselves, aren’t we still making mistakes?

Next, we parents need to do the reflection, especially when the child continues breaking the rules and find it difficult to control himself.

On the one hand, we need to reflect on whether the current rules are appropriate. Is it clear? Is it feasible? Can it meet the child’s needs and balance his life? Do you need to make certain adjustments? We also need discuss with the child, listen to his thoughts, and make adjustments together.

For example, when I observed that my son chatted with his friends while playing games, which made him hard to stop and broke the rules, I shared my thoughts and observations with him. I asked him: “How long do you think is more suitable for you, so that you can have fun and follow the rules without affecting other aspects of your life?” He said ten more minutes are enough. I feel it very reasonable, so I gladly accept it. After that, he can better follow the rule when the time is up.

Trust the child. He can often give good suggestions, because the rules are about his life, and he knows his needs better than us. At the same time, involving the child in the formulation and adjustment of the rules can also increase his motivation to comply with the rules.

On the other hand, we parents need to do a deep search into our hearts. Now that we have set the rules to let the child play games “officially”, are we still anxious in our hearts? Playing video games is one of the child’s favorites entertainments. Do we really accept the fact from our hearts? While the child playing games, are we still nagging him (or thinking in our hearts): “What is fun in these games!? Why don’t you study more? Look at your eyes! The eyesight will be worsened.” Such negative thoughts will not only increase your anxiety, but also bring a lot of pressure to the child. Even if you hold back and don’t speak them out, the child will feel it, which may possibly cause the child to “secretly” play.

Therefore, parents’ anxiety needs handling. Calm down, find the real causes of it, and solve them one by one, instead of pouring it unscrupulously onto your child. For example, if you are worried about your child’s eyes, use rules to control the time he plays games each time and teach him to take a break. If you are worried that playing games will affect his school work, ask him to play after finishing homework. If you are worried about addiction, observe him closely, talk to them sincerely, and reflect on whether you have a loving relationship with him.

In our house, my husband often plays with my son. It is a good father-son time. We also bought family games, playing and having fun together as a family. It is also a very good family time. When he plays with his friends, the friendship is strengthened. My son told me what he liked the most was not the game itself, but playing with his friends and his parents. I also told him we were happy for him when we saw him having fun. I hope him not to be affected by the negative opinions about the video games held by many people. Enjoy it. As long as it is at the right place in the life–an option of entertainment, it will bring you a lot of fun, rather than trouble.

Scripture:

“So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 8:15)

如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品（八）违反规则(I)

前面我们谈了孩子使用电子产品的规则制定和网络安全，然而，你会发现即使你认为已经万事齐备时，问题还是会不期而来，这就是生活。我想，最为突出的问题就是孩子会违反规则多玩或偷玩游戏。这也许是玩游戏的孩子多多少少都干过的事儿，也是咱们父母头疼的事吧。

当这样的事情发生的时候，父母们别急着对孩子生气愤怒。一次又一次的实践告诉我：在情绪中处理事情，孩子是学不到功课的。父母们也不要给孩子贴标签，认为自己的孩子“老是撒谎，屡教不改，无可救药。”这样的想法只会导致双方更加生气、失望和无力，孩子甚至会破罐子破摔，没有什么帮助。

那么父母应该怎样处理呢？

首先，咱们父母来调整一下看待问题的角度。角度正了，问题就解决了一大半。孩子违反规则其实并不是一件坏事。遵守规则是需要一个学习的过程。他们不仅要学习规则本身，明确自己可以做什么，不可以做什么的界限，同时还要学习并体验选择遵守规则或违反规则给自己的生活带来的不同影响，进而逐渐学会在做选择之前想一想：这个选择会对我的生活产生什么样的影响？这样的思考将会为他们将来独立生活带来很大的帮助，使他们更有可能做明智的选择。所以，孩子们每次犯错都是一个学习的机会。允许孩子们犯错吧，给他们充分的学习机会。想想我们自己，不也是还在不断犯错误吗？

接下来，我们需要进行反思，特别是当孩子不断违反规则，难以自我控制时，这样的反思尤其重要。

一方面，我们需要反思目前的规则是否合适？是否清晰？是否具有可执行性？是否能满足孩子的需要并平衡他的生活？是否需要做一定的调整？这些问题也需要和孩子一起讨论，听听他们的想法，一起来进行调整。

比如当我观察到儿子和同学一起玩游戏时，不仅要玩，而且还要聊天，导致他时常感到时间不够，到时间停不下来，因此而违反规则时，我把我的想法和观察和他分享。然后我问他：“你觉得多长时间更适合你，使你能够既有fun，遵守规则，又不至于影响你生活的其它方面？”他说增加十分钟就好，我感到很合理，于是欣然接受。之后，他就能更好地到时间就停止了。相信孩子们，他们常常都会给出很好的建议，因为这是关于他们的生活规则，他们比我们更清楚他们的需要。同时，让孩子们参与规则的制定和调整也能提高他们遵守规则的动力。

另一方面我们父母需要反思自己内心的状态。既然我们已经制定了规则，让孩子“名正言顺”地玩游戏，我们的内心是否还焦虑？游戏是孩子喜欢的一种娱乐方式，我们是否从心里真正地接纳这个事实？还是心里仍然排斥？导致孩子一边玩，我们一边唠叨他（或者在心里想）：“这游戏有什么好玩的，就知道玩游戏，不好好学习，眼睛也搞坏了。”这样矛盾的心理不仅会增加焦虑，也会给孩子带来很大的压力，即使你忍住不说，孩子也会感受得到，可能导致孩子在行为上，或者心理上“偷偷”玩。

父母们这样的焦虑是需要处理的。平静下来，找到自己焦虑真正的原因，逐个解决，而不是把焦虑毫无顾忌地倾泻给孩子。比如，如果你担心孩子的眼睛，就用规则控制一下每次玩游戏的时间，教会孩子中场休息。如果你担心玩游戏会影响学习，那就要求他们在作业做完之后才能玩。如果你担心他们上瘾，就好好体会观察孩子，和他们谈，反思自己和孩子之间是否有爱的关系。

在我们家，爸爸常常和孩子一起玩，是一个很好的亲子时光。我们还购买了家庭游戏，一家人一起玩，一起乐，也是一个很美好的家庭时光。孩子和同学一起玩，增强了他们之间的友谊。儿子告诉我，其实他最喜欢的不是游戏本身，而是和同学父母一起玩。我也告诉他，我们看到他在玩游戏时很开心，我们也为他感到开心。现在因为对游戏上瘾和安全的担心，人们常常对游戏有偏见，希望他不要被影响。坦然地玩， 只要把它放在生活中合适的位置—- 一种娱乐方式，它会给你带来很多快乐，而不是麻烦。

经文：

“我就称赞快乐，原来人在日光之下，莫强如吃喝快乐；因为他在日光之下，神赐他一生的年日，要从劳碌中，时常享受所得的。”（传道书8:15）

How to help children use electronic products healthily (7) Internet Safety (III)

In the previous article, we talked about chatting with children to get to know what they are doing and thinking when using electronic products. The chat is mainly about the child talking and parents listening. In the process of listening to the child, we can see whether he is off the track or there is a need for guidance, correction, and adjustment. This is mainly our parents’ judgements.

However, children will soon grow up to be independent. They need to learn to think independently, to make their own judgments, and to learn to reflect on their own lives including their thoughts, words and deeds, in order to hold on to their beliefs in this chaotic world. Therefore, it is an important and urgent job for parents to cultivate their ability to develop a life habit of thinking and reflection, and to prepare for their independent life. Using electronic products is a very good opportunity for children to learn, practice, and cultivate such habits. Then, how can parents guide their children to think and reflect independently?

It’s actually very simple, just in the chat with the child. Parents can guide their children to think by asking their children open-ended questions. For example, “Why do you like this game?”, “What do you gain in this game?”, “What role are you willing to play in this game? Why?”…

If parents are worried about the content of a certain game, you can also talk to their children frankly and ask him what he thinks: “I feel this game has some fighting and violent elements in it. What do you think? Do you think the content is right? Does it negatively influence you?”

If parents observe that the child is over-interested in video games for a period of time, you can share the observations with him and guide him to think, “I recently saw that you are very enthusiastic about games. Are you comfortable with it? Can you think about it and see if you are playing the game or the game is playing (controlling) you? Is the game just one of your entertainment options? Or is it going beyond and starting to negatively over-influence you?” When my son can’t play games on weekdays, I sometimes ask him, “Do you need me to put away the game to give you less temptation?”

These questions will guide the child to change from a player in the game to a bystander to observe, think of, and reflect on their own state, and explore their own heart. And parents should keep an open heart to the child’s thoughts and answers, slowly observing, listening, and guiding. Don’t presuppose your child’s thoughts and replace his judgments with yours. I have been telling my child that you have to explore the true thoughts deep in your heart. Besides God, only you yourself know best what you think.

I remember once, he told me that a classmate introduced him to a way to win game coins. His classmates did it every day. When he saw it, he was very excited and said, “The game coins can only be bought with real money!” I first listened to him and understood what it was all about, and then I asked him, “Are you going to do it too?” He said he had done it several times. No wonder he was so excited. I told myself, “take a deep breath and stay calm.”

“How do you feel?” I asked him.

“It’s okay, it’s simple,” he said.

“Will you keep doing it?” I asked.

“I think so.” my son answered.

In fact, personally I thought there was no harm to do it. However, although he can win game coins, it was time-consuming, and there was not much benefit for him. But if I had told him my thoughts and what to do directly, it would have deprived him of the opportunity to practice independent thinking. So I thought for a while and said to him, “Do you want to listen to my suggestions?” He was very willing.

I said, “I can feel that you are very excited about winning game coins in this way, and your good friends are doing it, which makes you feel even better. But I hope you think about these questions: Will I lose my self-control and become addicted to it? Is the time spent on it worth it? Can I use the time to do more meaningful things? The most important thing is: does it please God?”

“Don’t worry and take your time to think about it. Remember to pray, and ask for God’s guidance.” I looked at his eyes and knew that he had already started thinking.

After a few days, I asked him his thoughts on this matter. He said he did not think there was anything wrong with it. It wasn’t also against the teachings of God. He would do it sometimes if he had time, but he felt that it was too time-consuming and boring. Compared with the time spent on it, the gain on the game coins was nothing.

“did you pray?” I asked.

“Yes.” he replied.

I patted him on the shoulder, smiled and said, “I agree with you.”

Every time communicating with my son, I am grateful to God because every time I pray to Him, “God, please give us wisdom and guide the child to make the right choice that pleases you. Please have him experience your love and peace.” God never failed to answer my prayers for we are His dear children, and He is our loving heavenly Father.

Scripture:

“Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.” (Psalm 5:1&2)

如何帮助孩子健康地使用电子产品（七）网络安全（III）

上一篇我们谈到了通过与孩子聊天的方式来了解他们使用电子产品的所思所想所行。聊天主要是孩子倾诉，父母倾听。在倾听孩子的过程中，我们能够了解他的想法和行为，看看是否偏离正道，是否有需要引导，纠正和调整。这主要是我们父母在判断。

然而，孩子很快会长大独立，他们更需要学会独立思考，自己做判断，学会对自己的生活自省、对自己的思想言行反思，才能在这个混沌的世界里坚守自己的信仰，而不会被滚滚潮流冲得失去方向。所以培养他们独立思考和反思的能力，养成一个思考和反思的生活习惯，为他们独立生活做准备是父母的一个更加重要、紧迫的责任。使用电子产品对孩子来说是一个非常好的机会来学习和练习，培养这样的能力和习惯。那么，父母如何引导孩子进行独立思考和反思呢？

其实很简单，就在和孩子的聊天中进行。父母可以通过问孩子开放性的问题，来引导孩子思考。比如，“你为什么喜欢这个游戏？”，“你在这个游戏中有什么收获？”，“你愿意在这个游戏中担任什么角色？为什么？”……

如果父母对某个游戏的内容有所担心，也可以坦诚地和孩子谈，询问他的想法：“这个游戏我感觉有一些打斗和暴力的成分在里面，你怎么想的？你觉得这些内容对你有什么影响吗？”

如果观察到孩子一段时间对游戏的兴趣有些过度，也可以和他分享我们的观察，引导他去思考：“我最近看到你对游戏非常热衷，你对这种状态感到舒服吗？要不要安静地思考一下，看看是你在玩游戏，还是游戏在玩（控制）你？看看游戏只是你的娱乐方式之一呢？还是超过了它本来的作用，开始过度影响你？”在周一至周四不能玩游戏的时间里，我也会时常问他：“你需不需要我把游戏收起来，给你少一点诱惑？”

这些问题都会引导孩子从玩游戏的局中人转换为旁观者去观察、思考、反思自己的状态，探索自己的内心。而父母也要对孩子的思考和回答保持一颗开放的心，慢慢地观察，慢慢地听，慢慢地引导。千万不要预设孩子的想法，用我们的判断去取代他的判断。我一直告诉孩子，你要探索自己内心真正的想法，除了上帝，只有你自己最清楚自己怎么想的。

记得有一次，他告诉我一个同学给他介绍了一种方式，可以赢得游戏币，他的同学天天都在做。一看他就很兴奋，说：“那个游戏币可是需要用真的钱才能买到的哟。”我先听他说，仔细了解了怎么回事，然后我问他：“你准备也去做吗？”他说其实他已经做了几次了。怪不得他这么兴奋。我告诉自己，深呼吸，保持冷静。

“那你感觉怎么样？”我问他。

“还行，挺简单。”他说。

“那你还会做吗？”我接着问。

“应该还会吧。”儿子回答。

其实当时我个人的判断是：那种方式没什么危害，可以赢游戏币，等于是赚钱了，但是费时费力，没有太大的益处。然而，如果我直接说出我的想法，就剥夺了他练习独立思考的机会。于是我想了想，对他说：“你想听听妈妈的建议吗？”他很愿意。

我说：“我能感觉到，通过这个方式你赢了游戏币很兴奋，而且你的好朋友也在做，这就让你感觉更好了。但是妈妈希望当你判断是否做一件事情时，思考几个问题：我对这个事情会不会失去自我控制而上瘾？花在这件事情上的时间是否值得？我用这个时间是不是可以做更有意义的事情？最重要的是：这件事情是否蒙神的喜悦？”

“别着急，你慢慢考虑一下吧，记得祷告，求神的指引。”我看着他的眼神，就知道他已经开始思考了。

过了几天，我问他对这个事情的想法，他说他觉得这件事也没有什么不好，没有违背上帝的教导，有时间还是会做点，但是觉得太费时间又枯燥，也没太大的收获。相对于那么多时间来说，那点游戏币也不算什么。

“你祷告了吗？”我问。

“嗯，祷告了。”儿子回答。

我拍拍他的肩，笑着说：“妈妈尊重你的想法。”

每次和孩子的沟通和交流，我都感谢神，因为每一次我都向神祷告：“神啊，求你赐给我智慧引导孩子，求你亲自带领孩子，做正确的选择，蒙您的喜悦，感受你的爱。”神没有一次没有回应我的祷告，因为我们都是他亲爱的孩子，他是我们慈爱的天父。

经文：

“耶和华啊，求你留心听我的言语，顾念我的心思！我的王我的神啊，求你垂听我呼求的声音！因为我向你祈祷。”（诗篇5:1&2）